Dear Ladies of the Hot Tub 2: My partner has cheated on me leaving me with a young child

My partner and I have now separated, after I discovered he was cheating on me with another woman, leaving me a single parent to a toddler. The thing is, this is not the first time this has happened. Another woman he used to see before me was expecting a child at the same time as we started going out. Until the separation, I often looked after her child as well as my own. He also has two other more grown up children from another relationship. I have recently discovered that the new woman he is seeing is 38, the same age as I was when we met and, more importantly, childless. I can’t help but wonder if it is his intention to impregnate and then leave her too. My question to you is should I forewarn his new girlfriend about his behavior or leave them to it?

Rose

First of all, I hear how painful and shocking this has been for you. And how you must look back on the situation with your ex, and feel that you were deluded in love when he was merely repeating a pattern of behaviour. That is a heart-wrenching wake-up call. Your question is about his new girlfriend, and I would firstly ask you to make an internal inquiry into what is really motivating you here. Are you really concerned about this new girlfriend, or are you being propelled by some sort of revenge for yourself? It’s important to establish where this impulse is coming from first of all.

Kate

Roger to all of the above – but I would add to that, this man could potentially father a fifth child.  Small lives are involved here as well as adult ones and if it were me, I would want to know the facts. I might not enjoy hearing them but thirty-eight years old is a vulnerable age for a childless woman. The thought of getting swept off my feet and then dropped from a large height to raise my child by myself is not a happy one. We are women. We can deal! But from your point of view, I think I’d feel better in myself had I shared these thoughts with the woman concerned in a kind and loving manner!

Caroline

I would tell her. I would tell her because I would want to know if it were me. As has been said, it is important how you do that. There may be an impulse in you to cause hurt, as you have been. It’s only human. Just keep an eye on yourself so you don’t act anything out. Keep it clean… keep it clean… is my little prayer to myself, in similar circumstances. You could write a letter and then get a couple of friends that you trust to check it over and give you feedback. Wishing you well.

Suzanne

Is it possible for you and the other mother to talk to his new girlfriend instead of on your own? Putting myself in the shoes of the other woman, newly in love, my first instinct would be to question your agenda. By sharing the burden of responsibility with another, you may then come across as two women, genuinely concerned for her.  If not, I might leave well enough alone. The main thing is to protect yourself and your child from any further drama.

Ingrid

Hello there. First off, I am so terribly sorry for what you have been through, what a strange and awful time for you. Next, I absolutely must get the following off my chest: the man has issues, namely a kind of rabbit-mormon complex, if there is such a thing. This constant need of his to find a woman, impregnate her then leave, is NOT a normal mode of behaviour. Not unless one walks on all fours and has a tail at any rate. But then you know that already. That said, it is important to question why you want to tell his new girlfriend. Are you protecting her by sharing your ex’s less-than-savoury mating ritual, or exorcising your own (and understandable) feelings of hurt? It might even be a bit of both. Whatever the case, my feeling is that if you don’t know the new girlfriend personally, it might be best to stay away, hard as it is. By telling her, she might resent you for getting in touch, plus you don’t know what else – or worse, what other emotions might be dredged up.

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